| |
|
|
| 06:04pm 08/12/2009 |
| |
in my house, we have a light switch that operates a fire place.
On, goes the fire. Off, goes the fire.
oh my! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:19pm 02/12/2009 |
| |
i'm not a playa
i just crush a lot. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| yellow. |
|
|
| 11:12pm 18/11/2009 |
| |
I am loved.
and that simple fact makes me happy and willing to love back. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Baby, you ain't seen me like this |
|
|
| 12:27pm 11/11/2009 |
| |
its a DYE day.
I took it all the way back to brown. Now I know my bleach will eat through it, and i didn't listen and i didn't do anything anyone told me. And its easier to go from light to dark gradually....but, i wanted it dark dark.
Do i dyed my hair for the first time in 6 years. I've got no blonde. Maybe just a little hiding under. I save my left side from dye so that i can bring back the streak if need be.
Its the end of an era, what can i say? |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Physical |
|
|
| 11:18pm 06/11/2009 |
| |
I'm back to writing things down physically. My memory is getting fuzzy and i'm trying everything before its shot.
no drugs.
no accidents.
nothing.
Frank thinks i'm showing signs of PTSD. I might be. I'm going to work with him some more. Maybe next week.
I know I've had two really important thoughts in the last 24 hours, but can't remember what they are.
remind me to stop picking at zits/myface. One of my favorite gross things, but i just can't.
I was recognized at a conference for presenting at last years conference. Awesome. Now all i need is to get hired!
not a great update. Road trip this weekend. fun stuff.
Oh, and this throbbing headache thing comes and goes. Its been here now for at least a week. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Comfort Food: Mac and Cheese |
|
|
| 12:14am 03/11/2009 |
| |
I make a killer mac and cheese. Thanks to some ideas from Drew and my creative expertise.
I think i will call is CIMM Mac and Cheese. For Come In My Mouth.
Thats how my boss described it.... to an office dinner party in front of her husband. Most people were horrified. Some thought it funny. I was delighted.
Sex food. mmmm mmm good. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 01:16pm 29/10/2009 |
| |
The truth of it all is, that if i think about it, i don't think I want to be near you.
If I think about it, things will change, not in your favor.
If I think about it, I wouldn't even be here.
So lets not think about it. Lets be happy with what we've got. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| A year later. |
|
|
| 10:35am 18/10/2009 |
| |
Sleeping in the family farm house. Waking up to a wonderful family and a wonderful man. Eating the best breakfast ever made. (no joke).
Happy 1 yr. Drew.
Now lets go kick some ass in NYC! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I just want back in your head. |
|
|
| 12:01am 14/10/2009 |
| |
|
music: Tegan and Sarah/ Cat Power
|
I starting a trend. A sustainability trend. Oh, shut up and don't poo poo me. I look good with all these second hand, lived in clothing.
I bought a suit, on sale. Feels good. But I want to rock. I have a few new blazers that are holla cute and neck-curchiefs that are all bourgeois. Heres the thing, and H and M thing. I want the hot little pumps, and off metallic plum puff skirt that puffs up just enough to make me look like a die hard hip girl. (I mean, my legs attached to my HIPS) I want the blazer jacket that is that same off plumb, but tone it down with a hint of youthful buttons. A wee bit of frill. side bun, and earrings that scream volumes on my excentricty, without giving it away.
I want you, to want to....s my d. I want the crowd of people at ACPA to want to give it up to me. Silly, perhaps. But if I can get the look, be sure I can run the part.
They told me i could be anything I want to be. Right now, i want you to know that I am the player thats missing on your team.
Not just because I can look the part, but because I can OWN it.
----------------------------------
On a side note, i spoke with most of my family today. My dad thought I was on drugs, i asked if he had any. He said no, he'd been walking. Like, its his replacement for drugs....which is good. But begs the question, when was the last time he was doing drugs? Recently, perhaps.
But what really caught be off guard, was that my grandmas all contacted me. And i was wondering when I would hear from my Grandpas. And then I remembered, I don't have any, any more.
I am going to visit my 92 yr. old neighbor. She was recently moved into a home hours away from where we lived. She saw me move in, just 7 months old. I used to take her out to lunch. I suppose I'll stop there on the way north. One more lunch, maybe.
I can't help but feel that my time is running out with them. I cannot stop it, I can't even slow it down. Its inevitable. This is me feeling weird again.
I wish, wish so hard I could be little again, knowing all I know now. Watching their every move, their every breath, their every smile. I wish i could go back to when their skin was tighter and they would bathe me in old tin tubs outside. I wish, i wish so hard.
I am proud to know each one of them. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I'll tell you what you get. You get away from me. |
|
|
| 04:44pm 13/10/2009 |
| |
One a side note: I fell down a flight of stairs. I feel kind of dumb. More or less shocked at my own ability to beat myself up.
I feel weird. Things are weird. i am weird. I want to go home. What is home. Not really here, not really there.
I think i just miss....
miss a person
miss a step
miss a feeling. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Take one last look at this sacred heart before it goes. Cause everybody knows... |
|
|
| 03:58pm 11/10/2009 |
| |
|
music: The Duhks- Everybody Knows
|
quotes:
I got crotch rocked!
You aren't EVEN REAL! You don't EXIST!
OH, sloth me!
All inside jokes from a wonderful trip into the Grassroots. Old Friends, new friends, all adventures. We were mostly sober, beer didn't do anything!
We danced, we made friends, we rocked out. I smell like campfire and dirt.
I love this. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| It looks like its gonna storm, come on anyway. Its warm. |
|
|
| 08:27pm 06/10/2009 |
| |
I am sad. I can see the end. The end of you and me. The end of this town. The end of our friendship. The death of my car. All my things will fall to pieces.
I am looking. There are paths leading all over the country. Go north. No,...no head west, be a pioneer. No no no, stay with your family, they need you. Stay with him. Stay no where. Move. New job, new town, new friends, new life.
I gotta sew some guts in me.
Take a big jump. Hold my breath, shit my pants. And buy new undies! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| best party and no one i know |
|
|
| 02:02am 04/10/2009 |
| |
i showed up at a party.
Didn't know anyone.
Got a sharpie stegosaurus tattoo.
smoke cloves.
dance party to Mickey Avalon. Holla.
Miss my girls and taking down the dance floor like we owned the night.
I am slow. I am tried. I am working. I am loving this every moment, because I meet people from everywhere. I do not have a type. you are my type. Human is my life. I love life. I love this. I love my job and mobility. Climb a mountain, find a moon. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:49am 27/09/2009 |
| |
sometimes you think and sometimes you drink.
otherwise, live. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| TMI, because I wanna |
|
|
| 11:15pm 08/09/2009 |
| |
So i have a top floor lofted bedroom. For those of you who have never had such a joy, you should visit. I have a roof top deck...with nothing in it, but still. I have 4 windows and a door full of tiny windows. That = SUN. I wake up early and on time. I bike to work and work all day and sip on coffee.
eat grapes and say hello to lost students. point, direct, organize. easy and pretty harmless. i break when I feel like it. I have meetings when I want to. And I can take a vacation....like right now.
I come home, cook, read, watch. Drink wine and lay about in my undies. After i shower, i neglect to put clothes on and continue my night with...things such as this. Read some more.
I do yoga. I make friends. I got out and beer around. I go to techno parties. I hang in the living room with roomies. I help Katie figure out life plans. i drive to Warren Wilson to see Drew. We do it. We eat fresh baked cookies. I go to meeting and eat fresh tomatoes from my plant.
Next I will fiddle with guitar and take a pottery class from an old friend.
I teach college classes. funny, huh?
So here it is.
I have to stop thinking that my life will turn out like everyone elses. Its my life, it'll screw up in its own little weird way. But for now, things are fine. Nothing is broken. I have a routine. I have a life. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:55pm 31/08/2009 |
| |
At some point i'm going to lose you. And you will be gone. I may never get you back. But if i do, I will be over joyed.
Until then, I'm going to have to deal with the fact that first I will have to lose you. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Bum bum bum |
|
|
| 09:49pm 26/08/2009 |
| |
I've been on birth control for almost 7 years. At least to my count. Every few days i hurt inside. I ache and things don't feel right.
Its been like this for at least 4 years. My body is changing and she doesn't like me. Doesn't like what I do. I thought it was just my unhealthy behavior, but I've cleaned up. I'm clean, on so many fronts. I am exercising, walk, bike, yoga, sing, dance.
I still hurt.
Its the pill.
I run out in December. Christmas present to myself. Get clean clean clean, for real.
This will be the last thing I constantly put into my body. Its a like any addicting drug, it will hurt to get my body sober off of birth control. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| The money is good, and revenge is sweet. But I still wonder...about me. |
|
|
| 11:58pm 24/08/2009 |
| |
Today, pulled my boxes out of a shed. Water damage and maggots.
I lost 7 pairs of shoes. I didn't need them.
I lost a comforter. Where would i put that extra blanket now?
Grad school books covered in black mold. I can save them.
The black book i kept everything in from high school. Pretty sure James gave it to me one year. I thought about throwing it away. It was most damaged. Its not worth anything but memories. I will keep it, but don't think I'll be looking at it anymore.
"Yeah I'm going down, throw me some water" |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| He calls us the "kids" always in quotes. |
|
|
| 11:02pm 13/08/2009 |
| |
This summer has been the hardest summer I can remember. Life has been a joy. I am surprised as my own williningness to try and grow. The summer's many difficulties revolve around my personal safety and my contant fear of moving. I move often.
A women at the movie theater was questioning the use of cell phones. (later she would answer hers in the middle of the film. Naughty, naughty!) And it came to me. I need a cell phone because its absurd to have a land-line. No sense in adding it and then paying the fees of getting rid of it 6-9 months later. And you have to think....is the place where I sleep home? Could your reach me more frequently at my office phone and if so, why not just contact me there and forget the home phone altogether?
I hope to one day have a job that gives me a big fancy schmany phone to be called on and I can avoid the whole conversation.
Anyway, back to the point. Hard summer. And i come to think, conflict is what makes use grow. When it doesn't work, we find a new way. And if we don't? We stagnate and repeat until we get it. I am thankful for the struggles of this summer. For many couples, they live years dating or living together without serious crisis. And although we knew how to avert crisis, coming through that process was excruciating. Painful to leave all the work you put into somewhere and change your day to day lifestyle. Drew and I were confronted with this pretty directly and early. Now we know cranky, scared, and willing, we can make mountains move....when we have to.
Lastly, Jim and Alan our generationally older roommates have been the light at the end of this ordeal. Showing us the town with art walks and free wine, many many plays, and plenty of new elderly friends!!! That may not seem exciting to many, but let me tell you...the geriatric crowd is living it up and all us poor young suckers don't even get it yet. Jim has started calling us the "kids" and we've been instructing him on how to use a mac. Things are good.
Life is good. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Bully Men. |
|
|
| 10:35pm 25/07/2009 |
| |
So my "adult" roommate is nothing more than am immature middle school 55 yr. old bully. Hello? where's the teacher to blow the whistle for recess? In any case, I feel that he's emotional unstable and has exhibited strange behavior as well as some serious aggression.
Drew and I moved out and are chilling on the UNCA campus for bit. But next week we move in with two fabulously gay elderly men. Hilarious. The turn of events couldn't be better. In the community they are active and well connected. What a joy. Alan, engineers water fountains including the on in Disney Florida and rebuilding the water works for Rockefeller center. totally rad!
The worst has turned into the best. For Drew our new neighbors will soon be some of his professors at Warren Wilson. A couple of Queer docs and acupuncturists, who we can trade tomato for a check-up.
I feel I haven't written in ages. My life has been on the move. My grandfather died a little over a month now and I'm really starting to process it. No worries, he needed to go. We lost a car, so we'll buy his. 1982 Caprice...hollyyyy motha!
Just got back from a HUGE festival in Asheville (been living here if you missed that). Wonderful place in the mountains, lots of coffee! Really great breakfast food and BBQ. River rafting, music, and art. This place is always in motion. Caught some Dar Williams and Old 97's this week. My phone is dead, oh well.
My dad is here having a wonderful time and my mother is on her way.
Drew and Dad are bonding over smoking, shhhhh. don't tell. Neither of them are suppose to be smokers. I suppose all is well.
I really do need to stop worrying and planing. All will be okay.
p.s. I got a teaching job. who knew! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
charming_attack's journal